NEW LESSON: FALL 2008
Practice assertive behavior. Learning to speak up on behalf of yourself leads to greater self-care.
When you are assertive, you let another person know something important about yourself. You may express a feeling or request a change in a particular situation. Assertiveness differs from aggressive behavior in which you make demands at another person’s expense. It differs from passive behavior in which you say nothing at your own expense.
If you are not used to speaking up about your needs, the idea of asserting yourself will probably feel scary. Any time you contemplate making a change, it is natural to feel afraid. However, the costs of not practicing assertive behavior are high. When you are unable to tell other people in your life about important things that are bothering you, tension builds inside of you. This tension does not go away, even if you try to ignore it. Instead, you may find yourself feeling anxious or depressed. You may find yourself overeating in an attempt to reduce your emotional distress.
It is not uncommon for diet survivors to describe themselves as having a hard time saying, “no” to others. Do you find yourself to be the person that everyone can come to when they need something? Is it difficult for you to turn down requests, even when they take a toll on you? If this describes you, consider working on the very important skill of being able to say, “no.”
You can also work on asserting your feelings. This may mean telling your spouse that you feel disappointed that he or she has to go out of town for business on your birthday, or telling your colleague that she hurt your feelings when she criticized you at a staff meeting. Some feelings are stronger than others. You must decide what feels important enough to express directly to another person.
Assertive behavior is also essential when you need a situation to change. Can you let your boss know that he is overloading you with work? Can you tell your friend that you wish she would call you more often? Think about what situations in your life bother you, and begin to imagine the possibility of making your needs known. After all, people cannot read your mind. Change will only occur when something interrupts the status quo. Unless you are willing to assert yourself, the chances of getting what you want are minimal.
Keep in mind that just because you do assert yourself, it does not mean that you will always get what you want. This does not mean that your attempt was a failure, or that it would have been better not to say anything at all. The act of asserting yourself, in and of itself, is an act of self-care. Letting another person know what you need usually brings relief, even if you do not get the response you seek. For example, let’s say that your mother lives in a different state and only visits you once every couple of years. You feel hurt because you know she sees your brother frequently since they live in the same town. Although you’ve hinted that you would like her to come and see you, every time you hang up the phone, you feel disappointed. You decide to assert yourself and tell her in a direct way that you feel badly that she does not make the effort to visit more often.
No matter what happens, you should feel proud of your assertiveness. If your mother ignores your request, you will feel angry and will need to decide whether to tell her that you feel ignored. If, on the other hand, she acknowledges the way you feel and explains that because of the cost of flying it is not possible to come more often, you will feel understood. You might even offer to pay for the ticket so that she can come. Finally, if she tells you that she did not realize how important it was to you for her to visit more often and that she would love to come, you will feel great!
Using assertive behavior takes practice. The most effective way to let someone else know what you are feeling or what you need is to use “I” statements. “I felt angry when you…” is more likely to be heard by another person than if you say, “You make me so angry because…” When your goal is to change a situation, start by saying, “I would like to make a request,” rather than saying, “You have too…”
Assertive behavior is the way you take what is going on inside of you and put it out in the world. Sometimes this may feel fairly safe, and other times it may feel quite risky. Weigh the possible costs and benefits of speaking up at a particular time and place. However, keep in mind that if you frequently hold on to things that bother you, you will pay a price. Instead, learn how to let others know who you are and what you need.
Activity: Giving Voice
Practice using “I” messages to express yourself. This is an effective way to speak your mind in a way others are more likely to hear.
- Pick a situation that you would like to address:
_________________________________________________________________
- Who will you be speaking with in this situation?
_________________________________________________________________
- Practice your message in an “I” statement by filling in the blanks below:
When you (explain the problem)
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
I feel (express your feeling)
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
Because (clarify why this is a problem for you)
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
For example, you might say to your friend, “When you don’t call me, I feel sad because it makes me feel disconnected from your life.”
If you ask me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you. I came to live out loud.
-Emile Zola
|
